I feel like there are numerous times in life when we experience epiphanies: moments where an answer is revealed; sometimes to a question we never thought to even ask.
Sometimes these moments are overwhelming, they sneak up upon us like a gust of wind and push us to a place or a mindset where we didn’t want to go. It can put us in a place; while not comprised of regret, is built on a reflection that changes something in you. I believe such epiphanies are always good because, always, because whether you are ready for that truth or not is irrelevant – it’s is the truth. It is necessary for you to find yourself and where you are meant to be.
I’ve had such a moment recently. A moment that redefined a reality for me. It makes me emotional in ways I am not used to. I am not a vulnerable person and while I am open with my feelings I am typically stable and in control. It’s easy for me to stay at that level. That moment that this epiphany came over me I realized how incredibly out-of-control I truly am. Yes, I can plan for daily complications, I can be ready for even the things most least expected; have a savings, own an air mattress, keep an extra bottle of wine and blank birthday card for last minute gifts, etc. However, when “push comes to shove”, we are defined by our reactions to life’s happenings. We can sometimes be the instigator, the agitator, the creator and the dreamer – sure. But those are our ambitions. Who we are is who we are at those out-of-control moments, and I believe that is more often than we realize.
My out-of-control realization was in regards to my emotions. I realized how even while I subconsciously, maybe even out of a conscious fear/paranoia, try to guard myself from the world after my own happenings, keep myself independent minded and focused, self-sustaining, not needing of anyone’s approval and not allowing myself to “care” when someone might push me away. Try to pace and filter the the emotion to keep myself from ‘falling too hard’ for the ‘just in case’ or the ‘you never know’. I simply couldn’t do it with you. I make conscious effort to continue practicing appreciation and gratitude for the best things in life and my most precious of living-dreams because it gave me reason to continue living as I do, but you know what, nothing could prepare me for this.
I couldn’t put a filter around my heart with you, I couldn’t slow the flow of love or my acceptance of it. I ‘fell too hard’ and broke through to the stars. My ‘just in case’ is my reason to act, to be open to you and not wait a single second to confess my feelings. And I know this is real; that I am helplessly, hopelessly, eternally, and completely yours.
*Images credited to artist contributions at Pixabay.com*